Sitting at a eclectic cafe on a snowy evening, I’m sitting here sipping my beverage while a jazz quartet plays some great funky modern jazz to set the ambiance for the night.  I’m beginning to realize how much I rely on my laptop. It’s my gateway to not just reaching others on via the world wide web, buts also the tools of my trade.  It’s an extension of my work, my art even my own being.

For those out there reading this column, it’s your way to have a bit of a window to Georgie’s being. Who is Georgie English? Georgie asks that of herself on a daily basis, “Who am I?” Well Georgie has been many things in her life.  There are things Georgie has done that would shock those that know her.  One thing that Georgie always did though, and will still continue to do, she will always hide her most vulnerable part of her, her vulnerability. Why would she do that? Why would someone who knows better, still hide what herself from the world? Why would she elude to a different personality?  Why would she layer herself with someone she is not? Who really knows, maybe Georgie doesn’t even really know. In fact, Georgie doesn’t know why at all.

Seeing as I am Georgie English, maybe I shoud look into the mirror a little more and see just how deep my scars run so we can all begin to understand the multifaceted, multiplicity of who is the real Georgie English.  Well, folks, Georgie English is damaged goods, but I am not the only one.  We all have scars, some of them run so deep, it’s gone beyond nerves.  I can no longer feel them, until I decide to swim in the ocean every now and then allowing the salt to seep through and sting, they are imaginary.

Through my misgivings and deceptions, I realized, I need to find someone to help me though my plight, through my bouts of doubts that go through my head. I needed Georgie to be Georgie before the damage, but with the wisdom to know the difference.  I’ve taken the beginnings of the necessary steps, and I actually do feel that some weight has been lifted, but in all reality, the journey has just begun. Going through with the journey is going to take a lot of preserverance and intestinal fortitude on my part, but I have given myself no choice. As everyone who is battling their own demons should seek some sort of help. It’s not too late and all damage is not irreparable.  I know what I need to do, but I also, it’s not going to be easy.  In fact, it’s a journey that I must do alone.  This is not the path of least resistance, in fact, it’s a path unchartered. I’m ready to walk, I just need someone with a walking stick to guide me.

Stay true to you.
Georgie English.

Yes, the infamous, what are you hiding?

Well, for some of us, we have to hide. We have to hide for fear of having no defenses. As far as I am concerned? It would take short of a miracle to get me to feel completely at ease with anyone to bare my soul so to speak, so I don’t. I need my walls, I need my defenses and I need to stay true to me. Protecting my interests is far better than trying to break from what drives me.

Why should I bare my soul? Has anyone ever really bared their soul to me? No.  Not even my family. So why should I be the one to take the first step to bare it all for the world to see? Why should I have to stand there like a little duck waiting for life to pass judgment on me? Why? I don’t. I don’t have to explain myself, and most of my actions to anyone.

I’ve found my niche of friends/family. They know who I am…my good, my bad, my ugly but they still love me.  They don’t have to accept it, but they know it and they still love me, because when it comes down to it, I’ll still be there for them. They know that, as they were for me.

If sharing something with someone that was so amazing is not enough for one of the parties. It is better to break it off. No one is ready.  I find it hilarious that after a while, I don’t look at myself as the complete ‘bad guy’.  In fact, I am starting to see things a little clearer.  I’m not the only one with skeletons in her closet.

We all have them, we all lie at some point, and we all have our reasons. It’s not right, it’s not perfect but it’s reality.

My reality is…I’m doing better. I know what I have and I am planning my life accordingly.   No one knows anything about me because no one has bothered to ask.   If it’s so important…ask, but none of you ever do…you just assume and ‘investigate’.

So put your detective toys away, and be a friend….ask me. You wanted to know.
Stay true to you.

Georgie English

I stand here bare
I stand here and stare
Naked

I glance in me
I glance more in she
Naked

I feel within
I feel all my sin
Naked

I want to show
I want me to know
Naked

I look and find
I look into my mind
Naked.

Dear Magnus,

As humans we all make mistakes. I have made the biggest one of my life.  The man that I love, is no longer in my life because of my mistake.  I am asking him to talk to me and let me lay out all my cards and he can decide from there. I am not asking for anything more. The last meeting between the two of us was not good, and that hug was not enough to ‘end it’.

I would like one more chance to bear my soul.
Always

Georgie English

“Where do we go from here?”  It’s a question asked amongst couples with problems in their relationship.  So how do couples deal with their problems? Some go to counseling, some deal with it privately what works for some doesn’t necessarily work for others. There are even couples out there that just sweep the issues they have under the carpet. Not a healthy way to deal with things, in my opinion, but it happens far more often then not.

 

I have encountered a few couples over the last four months going through some trials and tribulations in their relationships. Some have similar situations, some more unique, but regardless, the issues all of them had, were to be addressed and not ignored.

 

Let’s take Allen, for example, remember him? Allen had an issue with me and with his wife, Salina.  Let’s break down Allen’s situations. With Salina, he had the issues of infidelity, deceit and an obvious lack of respect. Whether it comes from both side of the fence, or just his, there was not enough respect there to garner the trust of each other and these things have happened in their marriage.

 

However I have learned over the years, a single formula for love wasn’t always the best solution every couple. There are different foundations and different layouts, so therefore, different types of renovations. Although there are different approaches and not everyone starts fixing their problems from the foundation of their relationships, the common consensus is that everyone wants to find a solution. 

 

How does a couple move forward from something like infidelity and deceit? Only each couple can make their own paths to their roads to recovery. All everyone needs to know are they had to be willing to make the necessary steps to come to some common ground. It does not always mean each couple will live happily ever after, it’s a rarity these days to be quite honest, but what each couple is looking for is form of closure. An event or idea to put the issue, or the relationship to rest would substantiate the aforementioned questions.

 

From what I have gathered as well, simple solutions usually stem from simple methods. Why complicate things? It’s already the reason so many people are in the pickles they so chose for each other.

 

Just a few thoughts for the day. It’s been a while. I have recently been on the road for my work and it’s been very difficult to find the time to “beautify’ myself, let alone blog weekly. I promise to make more time to do more than just work.

 

Stay true to you!

 

Georgie English

 

Georgie_english@myself.com

Now I have talked many times over of the life and times of my life and those that surround me. All relationship matters, usually those with dealing with matters of trust, truth, lies and infidelity. This is a topic far more serious than those we’ve previously posted about and discussed. There is a time in one’s life when love becomes dangerous in more ways than just the matters of the heart. It becomes pain inflicting, mentally damaging, and physically abusive. This is a relationship to get out of before it becomes damaging and out of your control.

If you are in one of these relationships, as difficult as it may seem to leave it, and you’re finding ways to justify it, I highly recommend you seek for help to cope with it. I suggest you find an out and as soon as you can, especially if there are children involved.

I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I was mentally broken down, physically hurt and emotionally drained. I was in that sort of relationship I swore to myself that I would never be a part of ever. Unfortunately for me, I was in it and it took me a long time to escape. I use the term escape because that’s what I had to do to get myself out of such a destructive pattern. I also had a child to worry about, which made the situation worse than it would have been had I been childless. What was harder than ‘escaping’ the situation was the recovery process from the scars of it.

This happened to me almost ten years ago. I met Victor in college. It was an odd way to meet because I was an introverted college student. I didn’t focus too much on the social aspect of school what so ever, I was there to get an education. I spent much of my time in the libraries, great halls, and computing labs of the campus. This was a time when laptops weren’t mainstream and hard to come by. Computer labs were the places I finished ” my next essay”.

This is where I met Victor. I sat down next to him in the computer lab trying to get started on one of these essays. He was finishing one off. He seemed harmless and unassuming. He kept talking to me asking me what I was doing on the computer. I was surfing the net for research materials. Curious as to my “good knowledge” and use of the internet (remember the internet just became mainstream about a year prior to this) I told I used to work for a place that used the internet and FTP sites frequently so I got to know how to use it well and efficiently. He looked a impressed and annoyed at the same time. I wasn’t sure as to why, but he did. It was after all, just a computer.

As he finished his essay, he was making me laugh and trying to charm me. When he was all done, he literally pulled me out of my chair and insisted I had some tea with him. I wasn’t even given the choice to say no, he was literally pulling me out of my chair. So I obliged. In a way it was charming and but at the same time, I was a bit annoyed that he didn’t respect what I was doing in the lab enough that he felt he needed to interrupt me. So we talked and met each other on campus every now and then and exchanged phone numbers a week later. I had liked him and started to see him soon after that.

Victor and I had started our relationship. It was fun and lighthearted. He and I enjoyed getting to know each other. We were dating. Things were going well, or in my mind it seemed that way. It was on a fateful day, he was over at my place and I had been cleaning up. There were boxes of old documents and letters I had to sift through as well as getting rid of some of old clothes and shoes I no longer had any use. It was spring cleaning time. So I left him at my place and went to get something for us to eat. When I got back, he had read some old letters that were written to me by an old flame. He wasn’t impressed. He started questioning what this was all about and why I had felt it necessary to keep them. I looked at him and said, I haven’t read those letters in years, I was going to clean up and get rid of stuff. So at that moment he dropped it. But I knew it bothered him and stayed in the back of his mind.

The next little while he would bring up excerpts from those letters that he remembered and kept asking me if I really enjoyed my time with my ex, and he meant in a sexual manner. At this point in my life, I never really discussed my past sexual experiences with anyone but my close girlfriends, but this was my boyfriend using the sexual scorecard with me. He badgered me about who was better, himself or the ex. I didn’t answer that question. I really believed that you share something with someone and it shouldn’t be “compared” to another. Everyone has their own niches. Victor took it as I was trying to be polite and tell him he was inadequate to my ex.

He badgered me about my sexual past because of the men I had been with and the things I have done with them. He started to call me names and degrade my sexual choices. He started to get very possessive as to whom with I spent my time, and also as to why I spent my time with certain people. He didn’t like the fact my best friend was male. He thought that my best friend and I were having an affair behind his back. It got to the point that every man I came into contact with, he would question my motives and/or my relationship with them. It got to be too much. I did tell him one day, “If you don’t like me being friends with other guys it’s just too bad and you can leave!” That’s when it happened. He hit me for the first time. He open-handed me one across my left cheek.

As you can all imagine it gets worse than that in the next 12 months. I was put in the hospital twice. One time, my friend was the attending nurse in the ER. I also slowly started to become more introverted. I started not speaking to my friends, not doing things I used to love doing. I also started to over-eat to compensate for the depression I was feeling at the time. I became this angry person. Very angry person. I feared that every man out there thought the way he did, and felt that I would never find anyone better, so I stayed.

I stayed and I paid for it. To this day, I have lost between 45-60% of my hearing in my right ear, I have physical scars that won’t go away. Most of all, I suffered almost irreparable damage to my psyche. It took me ten years, jail time, professional help, great support from my friends and family and going through the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of my life to finally say, I am finally healed.

I urge everyone and anyone who is in a relationship like this, to seek help. Find a way to deal with the anguish it will cause you and your loved ones. Please do not, for all your sakes, stay in an abusive and damaging relationship. I did however, learn a lot from this relationship. I did learn the tell tale signs of these types of people. I did learn that I can overcome it, and that within me I have the strength do so. I believe everyone holds that strength from within. I believe, anyone can get out. There are many places to help people in such relationships, with the wonderful world of the internet, they are easier to find. I want to thank the people from the organization that has helped me. You gave me the first step to show I can leave, once you take that proverbial first step, you don’t have to look back.

Stay True to You!

Georgie English

georgie_english@myself.com

Remember that song? “Just Like Starting Over” by John Lennon? What a great song. Whenever I listen to it, I think about a particular beau in my life. He and I had many stops and starts over the years. It wasn’t until we finally decided to call it quits for good and remain good friends just a few years back that I had him out of my system. But he remained my benchmark for men. To this day, he remains the best beau I have ever had.

I thought about how we had to ’start over’ after the breakdowns, we had to achieve some breakthroughs. I will say this, it was much easier said than done. It’s not everyday that you find unflattering things out about your partner or they of you. I’d like to think that there is more good in people than there is the negative and of course, the ones you love the most.

We’ll call him Sam. Sam and I dated on and off for many years and we were even engaged at points in our relationship. Sam and I had the “Perfect Relationship” if there ever was such a thing. We were in love, we were hot for each other, we had this amazing friendship, and most of all, we had intimacy. So where did we go wrong? Our naivete got the best of us as did our comfort levels. Sam and I at a very young age, have become the old married couple.

It all started when Sam went away to college and I still had one year of high school left. Sam was an up and coming football player in the US College ranks. He had the ability to make it to the NFL, had he not gotten injured, I am certain that was his destiny. I always thought that Sam only wanted me, and other women were forsaken. Emotionally, that there aren’t any truer words, the physicality of it all was the complete opposite. Although he was still my boyfriend, Sam had ‘extra curricular’ activities, meaning, he was starting to see other women with me not being present.

I eventually found out about these “extra curricular” activities. I was devastated. I was embarrassed and made a fool. Although I have come to terms it wasn’t my ‘fault’, I do accept that our circumstances at the time were ideal for such a downward spiral. My world with Sam was ‘perfect’. So perfect we had nowhere to go but down. Our ivory tower had fallen.

Sam and I only had been with only each other at that point in our lives. Sam, being a handsome and charming young man, had many female admirers and I should have known it was just a matter of time before he wanted to test the market. I found out through a woman he had been sleeping with in university about his philandering. I left for a while, involved myself with other men and took a different path of life. I eventually ended up with Sam again just a few years down the road.

This time, it was different. We were a few years older, a little more jaded, and a little more experienced. Also, this time around, we were parents. We had grown up from our “Fairy Tale” high school romance. We had become this live-in couple with rug rats and “His and hers” towels. We were in love, we were hot for each other, we had this amazing friendship, and most of all, we had found our intimacy again. Life was perfect…again. We had “started over” or so I thought.

I found myself not trusting Sam because of past experiences of his affairs with other women. I found myself getting suspicious all the time. I found myself keeping a score card on Sam. I also constantly wanted Sam to prove to me that he loved me. Always asking him to show me not just tell me. I demanded the names of the women he had been with prior to getting back together and if he had any interest in being with them in the present.

At first I had no reason to do so, but because I was not able to put his lies and infidelity to rest prior to getting back together with him. I took Sam back without being ready for a real, trusting, and loving relationship myself. Although he did lie and cheat again, I might have pushed him this time around with my anti-trust of his love. I had become his keeper not his lover. It doesn’t completely justify his rogue behaviour, but I believe I instigated this behaviour instead of diffusing the situation. I didn’t trust him enough to make that mistake himself, I didn’t trust me to love him like I once did.

After several attempts of being a couple, Sam and I called it quits. He and I couldn’t play the game anymore. He couldn’t play fairly and I was tired of always keeping score. We both learned we needed to stop what we were doing with each other to grow from our experience.

For all the people out there that play the infidelity card on a regular basis, for whatever your reasons,please remember, in the long run you’re not only hurting others around you and involved with you, but you’re damaging your ability to feel the rewards of monogamy. For those out there always keeping score because a love has done you wrong, keep the scorecard blank, and find a way to overcome the fears of wrong doings of your partner. No one can ever have “Fresh Start” but for those looking for ways to start over from a not so perfect relationship, you just have to trust your instincts and love each other. Love isn’t a game, it’s a reality…what you make of it, it’s up to you.
Stay true to you.

Georgie English

georgie_english@myself.com

Dear Readers:

I, Georgie English, would like to thank you all for visiting the blog site. I’ve had a record setting day due to new found curiosity. I appreciate it. In light of the influx of readers and sparked interests, I would like to tell you a little of what the site is all about.

This is the Life and Times of Georgie English. I write about experiences in love and life. Albeit directly or environmentally induced, it’s a blog of my opinions and my thoughts of issues in the aspects of love, hate, friendship, or any relationship that come my way.

I do not use real names, nor do I use real locations. I will never do such a thing. In fact, I will use all fictional names, all fictional locations, much like a movie, but it is derived from “true stories” that I encounter in my life one way or another.

If there are some readers out there that my stories and characters resemble, that’s just it, a resemblance. In no way shape or form am I directly linking anyone to a piece of my written work. I feel I do not need to censor my work, nor do I feel I need to censor my opinions for the weak at heart. If you don’t like my opinions, ask me about it, write me an email or make a comment. My blog is open for discussion. That’s why I post my email and I leave comments to be open.

I ask you all out there to comment, challenge, and intrigue me. I am open to opinions, and thoughts. Censorship went the way of fascism, just ask Adolf Hitler.  I write what I write, as a form of my expression coming from the perspective of how I, not anyone else,  view the topic. You don’t have to agree with my view, you don’t have to like it, and you can dislike me as much as you want… but you have the choice to close your browser and not read it. Either that or not visit my site, or tell me to “F$%& off” in an email, if that if you feel that strongly. Again, your choice, as it is mine to post what I feel and think in my blog.
Stay true to you.

Regards,

Georgie English

georgie_english@myself.com

Everyone has a best friend and for many there might even be more than one.
My best mate is one of my best friends as well, but my best mate and I share a very kindred bond. I just wanted this person to know, he/she is always in my thoughts.

To my Best Mate:

Words cannot express my feelings for you. Just knowing you are there when I need you is more than comforting. Through you, I find inner peace and my solace. You have taught me to look within for truth and freedom. You have taught me what love and friendship is about. It’s not vain, or complicated or selfish…it’s just real.

Love your Best Mate,

Georgie.
Let your best mate exactly how you feel about her/him because we’ll need them from time to time, just like I have over the years.
Georgie English

georgie_english@myself.com

So my saga with Allan continues….It is what is. So here was my last email to Allan. It was just to wish him well, and figure out his life, because when it was all said and done…I loved him very much, regardless of the situation he and I were in.

========================================

Hello,

How are you? I hope you are doing better than you were a week ago, for I am. It has been a very hard two weeks for all of us involved hasn’t it? Heartbreaking, overwhelming and not to mention emotionally exhausting.

I hope you right your life and things work out accordingly. If you choose or if the paths have been chosen for you because of your past decisions, I hope and wish you only the best. I’m not vengeful, and I don’t hate people I cared about that much.I’m just hurt. It will pass and I will be whole again. It’s who I am and that’s how I am built. Maybe you can take a few things I have told you in the past and implement them in the way you think. You should do what Allan wants, not just want the world expects Allan to be. My only real expectation from Allan Day was for him to be true to himself, because the rest just falls into place from there.

All I ever wanted for you was to be truly happy…If that means to be with your wife, then so be it. If that means to find someone else…so be it. Just be happy and enjoy your life like it was intended. I’m going to love my new life. I am going to enjoy every moment of it, and one day I will be able to share it with someone else and be happy. I’m just sad for the moment because it’s not you. Although we don’t always get what we want, but we’ll often times find the things we need. What is wonderful about life, is you can find both somewhere. It doesn’t have to be one way or the other. I’ll get that sooner or later. I will. I know in my heart of hearts, there is something out there for me.

I’m telling you that I was in love with you. Or at least the person you presented my way. I still believe that much of what we shared was very real and those feelings could not have been faked. I refuse to believe you were that good of a liar. It’s an impossibility, because I see a good person, who did some bad things and hurt a lot of people especially two women he says he cares about.

You take life as it comes, but I’d rather make my life something instead of waiting for life to happen. Don’t think you’ve only brought negativity into my life. There are many positive things you brought to my attention. I can care about someone again. I allowed my heart to be risked up for heartache, but I wasn’t afraid. You brought that out of me. Although you temporarily tore it down, you in many ways restored my faith in men and my ability to find someone I care and not hold back. For that, I thank you, because I know I am not a robot and I will be able to do it again.

I love you Allan, I never wanted to tell you that again, but there is no point repressing the feelings that were there. If you ever need a friend, and I mean a real one, for whatever reasons you need one…I will always be there for you. Always. I will not judge, I will not badger, and I will not hurt you. I just want you to know I am in corner, as your friend…I can over look everything else…because your friendship was more important to me than all the bad this has resulted in.

Love,

Georgie

====================================

This was the most liberating email I have ever written. It was the first time in days and weeks my heart felt uplifted and ready to move on. Allan, as much of a dog as most people think he is…was the one the liberated all those feelings in me, that I thought were dead and buried. For that, I am indebted to him for the rest of my life.

Georgie English