As I near 40, I noticed a lot of change within me and about me so far in my life. Being single again, I am finding it hard to find a man in and around my age that would want to date me. I am finding more often than not, I was being asked out by men that were between 10 to five years my junior. Although it’s been flattering, I’m frankly not that interested. I am from a generation that transcends different eras of a few decades. So I’d still rather find a man in and around my age and ‘got’ from which direction I was coming.
Now, that being said, I tried to date a 40-something man once. He was definitely different and somewhat a bohemian at heart. He tended to be ‘set in his ways’ and felt I needed mentoring in life, although I was only 11 years his junior. He also was at a point in his life where he still looking for his path. Although I try not to judge another person’s path in life, I also wonder as to why by a certain age, a person is so ‘far behind’ in the game.
So what makes a 40 something year old man act like a frat boy? I can think of a few scenarios but I’ll share some of the ones in which I have interacted with specific case studies and as the blog states, were examples in my life and in my times.
It’s the good ole “Mid-Life Crisis” that has manifested into different things and roots from different circumstances in life.
From Geek to “Chic”
Do you have that friend that isn’t overly attractive and rather ‘inexperienced’ with his interactions with women? He is always the friend that is usually perennially single? I am sure we all have that friend. In fact, I will guarantee you, we all have someone in our group that fits this mold. I know I have a friend or two that fit this description.
For example, my friend Thomas is a man in and around his early 40′s who is out there looking for love. He has told me time and time again he wants a wife, a family and the whole Beaver Cleaver experience. Yet, as he says all this to me, I see him running around with women you usually don’t bring home to momma. In fact, I’ll say this Thomas has a more ‘dark and deviant’ side of him. Not dark in a serial killer type of way, but he has his vices and I’ll leave it at that.
Now Thomas was never dated in high school and when he hit university, he got into a relationship and promptly asked that girl to be his wife. She said, “Yes” and Thomas was thrilled. Problem with being engaged while in university, you are still discovering yourself and Thomas’ fiancee ended up breaking it off with Thomas. This happened 20 years ago.
Since then, Thomas has yet to marry, found a woman to love him back for who he is and had very few women that garnered the title of ‘girlfriend’. Thomas also didn’t help his cause by never taking care of his appearance. He dressed in out of style, ill-fitting clothing. He never was really much into minding his weight and at times, the way he carried himself was defeatist.
In recent months, Thomas has discovered that he enjoys the things we all used to do when we were younger and still in party mode. Things that Thomas missed out on either from self-induced morals or simply he didn’t know any better. Thomas is trying and enjoying illicit drugs for the first time in his life, partying with attractive women and just going out and painting the town red. For the most part I see this fun in being harmless, but at the same time, I worry about Thomas and his excessive lifestyle. Here’s why. When I was going through the ‘party excess’ phrase, I first had experience with it in my teens. I also had experience in my 20′s and into my early 30′s. I feel Thomas is doing this to be accepted. It’s sad but true. Thomas has hit adolescence in his mid-life.
The Cool Frat Boy
Ah Frank… Frank was one of my good long time friends, and I ended up becoming his lover. There were many parallels in mine and Frank’s lives. We were both single parents of children in and around the same age. We both had similar interests and we both were in the dating scene when our children were considerably younger. At times in my life, I felt that Frank was my soul mate. Not the “OMG I am so in love with you” type of soul mate but someone I could always talk to, about anything and for a long time he was, and I was that to him.
As I have found out, things change when you start to discover things that aren’t ‘right’ with each other. Frank already distrusted most women. He has been battling with his (ex)wife for the last 11 years about custody of their child and divisible assets in their marriage. So he thinks (and has spoken to me when we were ‘just friends’) that women are out to screw him. During those 11 years, Frank has lost a lot of material belongs to fund his divorce lawyers, court fees among other expenses. It has drained him so much, he has no property, assets, investments to his name and Frank is now 45.
Frank was very young at heart and liked a lot of the things people in my generation liked and I had a bit of an old soul, so I liked a lot of things of the cultures of his generation. Frank was also very set in his ways, and it took a bit of him adjusting to implementing me in his life that it bothered him and although he initiated all the ‘let’s move in together’ and what not, he also was the one that backed out. Which was fine, but he backed out in the most cowardly way. He apparently was ‘spying’ on my and asking about things in my past and friends in my present.
And that’s when he left me on a cold dark night to find my own way back to my home as he told me told he couldn’t trust me and that I needed to just keep away from him. So I did. He also proceeded to contact our mutual friends and tell them an elaborate and far-fetched story about me. Although my friends started to step up to the plate for me and give me some ‘character back up’, he refused to listen to them and his mind was made up. I was a deceitful to him and he also felt I was ‘deranged’. He did manage to convince his friends of this, but then again, they are his friends. I don’t think he successfully convinced the mutual friends and definitely didn’t convince any of my friends of his ‘findings.’
A couple of months down the road, a detective friend gave me some very interesting information on Frank: I found out that Frank had a criminal record, although a conditional discharge, of embezzling funds from a society to fund his divorce proceedings. I also found out he hasn’t owned a vehicle for 15 years and the vehicle he was driving was given to him by a former flame that recently moved back to her country of origin. His freelance work was good to keep his basics covered in life but I also found he owed money to many people around the neighbourhood he lived in for times to go out to the bar and have a good time. Although for most of his debts he made good, I was baffled at the amount of times he would ask friends for a loan.
Frank loved being that ‘cool’ guy, and he did it like he was 20 all over again. Frank was still financially irresponsible, the life of the party and got by through any means necessary. Not exactly the stability of a man in his mid 40′s.
Conclusion
The differences between Thomas and Frank were that Thomas was the guy that never did those things and is now discovering his youth. Frank is the guy that refuses to grow up and take control of his responsibilities. Frank is the aging hipster that can’t and won’t let go of his youth, no matter how silly it looks on him. Thomas is crying out for some sort of attention and acceptance.
Despite their differences, Thomas and Frank wanted to be youthful, accepted by younger women and men, and feel that can not get in the mold in which society has them embedded. Although I agree at times 40 is the new 20, I also believe that finding a balance of the reality of your age and the youthful spirit of your soul. They can co-exist and it would make the man just that, a man, not a middle aged frat boy.
